Peering out over the beating wind totally and unescapably alone. Funny how only my psychology teacher takes the time to talk to me as everyone else stands oblivious. Three o’clock ignites my phone as I watch the freshman stricken in terror at having to walk in my winter wonderland. 

                       Everything that ever is and was floats through my being in those stale resentful moments. My life in those moments is at its purest form, because I can see as it is. Not negatively or positively just real. All of those cute little memories are equal to the ones that haunt me. Except those evil A words that stain my consiousness, tieing me down to seventh grade and the root of every offical problem I’ve ever had.  

         I admire those who are never hollow and void from their own weakness. Never subconsiously make up problems just to draw attention from someone else.  Like clockwork, all of the uglyness of my mind will hide away the instant I get what my psyche wants. I can’t deside what issues are real or imaginary anymore.

         I can’t go on being shot down, by people who don’t really care and don’t even know.  Who really would bother with someone who’s fully aware, yet not in control of her soul sucking habits. I can’t get mad at them for being distant and impersonal. Hello, they are just little teenagers caught up in their own pointless battles. 

           I’m not sure if I really care for them  or if i’m trying to find reason to get mad and make it ok. Its so  fake all of it. I’m sick of getting wounded by the stupidist things. I need to draw a cloak around myself and  When the same issue comes up again and again, its probably your fault not anyone elses.

           Yet it still bites. After all this time you’d think I’d be stronger by now, instead of feeling like a little child on the verge of sixteen. Nonexsistant self-esteem. Chasing after a connection with a person who’s not even here anymore.  Paniced over the very idea of being close to a guy. Never really feeling whole.

              I commend you Sylvia Plath for you’re semi-biographical novel. I think you did it how I do, covering up what you really think under falseness, so you can shrug it off when needed.

I feel free and right. I love being able to sit in the sunset in silence and being at peace.  I don’t think I was really living in ninth grade. All I was doing was hiding behind a brick wall. I used a stronger personality to box myself in and away from the world. I didn’t care about myself… or anything really besides the fort that hid me.

Without Aub I’m forced to face life on my own heart and mind. I’m forced to come out of my imaginary world and to actually live. I have to open up to the people that I should have trusted long ago. People like McCall that I was too blind to truly accept.

I have to suddenly either remember who I am or to crawl and die back in the hole Aub dug me out of.

I’m not a little lost twelve year old, I am almost sixteen for crying out loud!

That still doesn’t make it easier though to change.

I’ll trust whom ever I trust. Speak whatever I feel is right. Whatever happens now is my doing.

I wondered why I hated ninth grade so much at first I thought it was because I was fighting with my friends and didn’t fit in. Umm.. no. The reason ninth grade was hard was because I totally lost myself and was dragging a person I care about down with me.

It feels strange… wrong and scary sometimes to continue in doing what I have decided.  I have to take control of my own life and not trying to get someone else to control it for me.  There’s no one to hide behind now. If Aub hadn’t have moved I might never have really learned how to really be myself.

I’m not going to be a little worshiper of a very false God… like I have been. I’m not going to cut myself off from the experiences I need to grow up.

I have no idea what or who the crap I’m supposed to be. But as I learn to decide for myself  and live for myself it should come with time. One puzzle piece at a time it will come together.

Obviously I hope and pray that Aub will remain my best friend for as long as I live. Look around and you’re not going to find anyone closer than us despite our issues. You aren’t going to see anyone else who has a better understanding of me than her. Unbalanced and jacked up friendship maybe… but still. I hope that when I’m on the other side of this mountain that our friendship will  grow with us.

Aubretia….. you are my best friend not my life support.

   “ And I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise.         Who knows what the tide could bring?” Cast Away

            Life wraps us up in its spiraling grasp. Often it drags our toes over the edge before it loosens its strangling hold. We get far beyond what we can take. Suddenly the tide breaks and in the sun, we realize we are where we needed to be all along. 

          Tooele is the island that I’ve been stuck on for my entire life. There have been times that I’ve been alone on my little island, but often I’m not.  Yesterday in seminary we talked about how often people give up right before their trial is over. My mind had been stuck on wanting to leave this little town and all my problems behind.

      I would give anything to be able to make a raft and sail away, with my journal as my Wilson. Unfortunately, for a reason that I have yet to figure out I have to sit on my island for three more years. Maybe I’m on the island just to be forced to face the jungle bests with my own strength.       All I know is that I have to endure to the end and not give up on Tooele quiet yet.  

        We never really know what the tide will bring. The tide answered my most desperate prayer and it’s bound to help me through a lot more. The tide is my hope, not just for what it can bring to me, but to where it will one day take me. Someday I’ll feel the ocean rush between my toes and let its scent linger in my hair, however for now the ocean and the world beyond remain a fantasy.

“Can we pretend that airplanes in the sky are  like shootings stars? I could really use a wish right  now.”  Airplane (B.O.B) 

       The only worthwhile part of the whole song, but yet its like its singing to the recesses of my unwell soul. Today was horrible, I’ve been crying on and off all day. I was ill with fury at God. Yeah I know its not right,  but when he allows me to face a nightmare its hard not too.   Even if in my fury I held my tattered red book of mormon and prayed. This whole past month I’ve been upset about God seeming to tear the only person that actually knows me away.   I feel trapped. I’m weighed down by this stupid town. I’m so sick of drama and all my friends dancing around my life in cycles, in and out in as much as I cant trust any of them.  My family is impossible. 

            I wish I could go with them. Have my new start in a place where I’d find a fit. No one will have anything previous to view me from.  I can start over and force myself to trust those who become my friends. Instead of making up excuses to shut everyone out. I could forget all my mistakes and leave fear behind. I wouldn’t have to worry about loosing my best friend.  

     Its taking alot to get through the pain that the actions of others are causing me to feel.  I have to be here with no best friend and it makes me sick. I would give almost anything to be free.

    So yes lets pretend that the airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars…

     It’s about two best friends (Eadeyn and Kalei.) who are polar opposites.  They get kidnapped by Nathaniel Flint. He will be paid $3 billion dollars to find a “bride” for Solomon.  He is a serial rapist and addicted to the pain of others. He sets his sights on Kalei.

          Solomon is the second richest man in the world. He’s twenty years old and psychologically disturbed ( Still working out details.)  In his mind he isn’t doing anything wrong taking the girl from her home. His fantasies  behold a girl who looks like Eade. He wants to make her his princess bride. In his mind he is royalty.  

     When the girls are rescued they develope Personality displacement disorder and have to work through that.

   This holiday is probably the stupidest idea for many reasons. One day when I have a boyfriend or husband I won’t think it will be cool to put all this effort into loving me for one day. The next that follows, the one before, there are 364 other days and making love cheap, byv schedualing it is horrible. Loving and caring wheither for friends, family whoever, should be done all year around, everyday actually. I don’t need a holiday to tell me when to love. I should already be doing that.

     I know lfe is frantic, but love and caring is the most important thing we can give to anyone and if were only sweet and romantic only when the media tells us too its pointless. All they want is more money. They aren’t promoting love they are destroying it.

     I love the story my sister told me of saint Valentine, its very cute and romantic, but still let them have their tragic love story and the rest of us will have our own all year around. And instead of limiting it to one shallow “Valentine” we’ll show our love to all.

If you know what your doing is wrong, then why do you do it? Well the truth is.. because you are gaining something from it.   There are a lot of things that hurt me, but I never seem to change it. Whither they hurt me through guilt, hypocrisy or just emotional pain. Never assume, because you never really know. I say all the time I’m going to do this or  that.. but It never happens.

I know why I do my bad  things. The reasons are scary and I’ve tried to stay  in denial to them.

No one can do any good with me save God…. I need to go write.

My home life lately is an echo of surrealism. The house is too clean, to quiet and I feel nothing as if I’m walking through a dream. Either that or too loud and everything in me aching from  negitive emotion, that is  aimlessly dancing across my mind.   I control it better now, because I understand it.

     My grades  take their  emotional toal on me… but hey we all have our issues.

      My life functions on extremism.  

          Lately I’ve been quiet an odd one. Daydreaming alot about falling in love. I have quiet an imagination as you know from Zion. I think in a way im getting less and less resistant. My wall is crumbling for no real reason. I wish i could like someone for longer than two weeks. 

           Short bursts of attraction do not equate to crushes or liking thank you. Liking for me will mean that I like their personality too. If I don’t than I simply will blame it on hormons. Hormons allways take my eyes to people that I don’t really like.  Umm… God please let me like someone who is 1) attainable (not persay seminary subs)   2)  has a beautiful personality. (not persay… actually that nocks off most people i tend to get attracted too.) 3) likes me. 

 Oh and for the record … I am scared of all people I feel an attraction too. Because hey I don’t really like or know them. : )

      I’ve been Stupidly idealising in the way I’ve wanted to smack other girls for doing. Yeah… guys are not meant to fill so much emotional need. Girls think they’ll make everything better. Bull crap. In reality it isn’t  as beautiful as a daydream. It takes work and cooperation and  (of course) it  involves unintentally pissing eachother off.

   Oh and did you know that stronger personalities can follow weaker ones… hmmm…. Now that certainly is a happy realization.  I guess it really is all a matter of respect and… even love maybe.

As well as thinking about how I want to raise my kids. I’m fifteen. I have quiet a while… so I shoudn’t be thinking of that.  I want no more than four. Yeah fifteen year olds so know what they want in life… well maybe I do. I know i don’t know jack… but I belive I do know some things. As much as any adult does. 

 I have  A long wait to finding eternity. And yet  it’s not if it’s when.

Zion is my first “Love”.  A story I started in the beginning of  of 8th grade, my writing in this is  heart stopping.  I can’t explain him, you’ll just have to read the story. But I will say that he’s perfect. : ) Even after all this time they still remain my favorites. Myri (who i really didn’t portray right) Greg (who technically isn’t my character) and Beth who was based on me.

“I couldn’t help, but notice that his face looked a lot more calm and loving than mine did. His eyes were serene and his mouth locked in a defiant smile. His fingers entwined with mine were the only way I felt the tension we were in. He was a confidant pillar of strength and yet he wasn’t prideful. Amazing how a person could both be a leader and a follower, a rebel and yet so devoted to helping others.”

Some days the worst thing that happens is your eyelashes clump together. Other days it’s the best thing.
“Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”Tell my mother, tell my father, I’ve done the best I can to make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand. I’m not angry… I’m just saying!”  SHINEDOWN (I want to quote the entire song…It belongs to  me.)

So yes, sometimes goodbye is a second chance. It makes you understand more than you ever could have, from staying. You can find out where you belong from being forced into a place where you don’t. God really does know what he’s doing with me. Acting on something that originally seemed unattainable.

Finally I have enough in me to be able to say… not only can I do it, but I can kick butt! Oh and utterly this is my life. My parents can’t really convince me of anything… They want to take me opposite where I need to be. Trust me. I at least know myself at least enough to know where I want to be. And if I’m wrong than I learn. Whats meant to be always finds a way, if you try to keep your head up and your heart to God.

We get set back. We fall. We have our crap days, but if we don’t let the setbacks destroy us. A fail today doesn’t mean it will won’t be a win tomorrow.

“You’ve gotta have heart, (And passion and devotion and optimism.) And that is why people  should do sports, activities, arts, anything.