I feel free and right. I love being able to sit in the sunset in silence and being at peace. I don’t think I was really living in ninth grade. All I was doing was hiding behind a brick wall. I used a stronger personality to box myself in and away from the world. I didn’t care about myself… or anything really besides the fort that hid me.
Without Aub I’m forced to face life on my own heart and mind. I’m forced to come out of my imaginary world and to actually live. I have to open up to the people that I should have trusted long ago. People like McCall that I was too blind to truly accept.
I have to suddenly either remember who I am or to crawl and die back in the hole Aub dug me out of.
I’m not a little lost twelve year old, I am almost sixteen for crying out loud!
That still doesn’t make it easier though to change.
I’ll trust whom ever I trust. Speak whatever I feel is right. Whatever happens now is my doing.
I wondered why I hated ninth grade so much at first I thought it was because I was fighting with my friends and didn’t fit in. Umm.. no. The reason ninth grade was hard was because I totally lost myself and was dragging a person I care about down with me.
It feels strange… wrong and scary sometimes to continue in doing what I have decided. I have to take control of my own life and not trying to get someone else to control it for me. There’s no one to hide behind now. If Aub hadn’t have moved I might never have really learned how to really be myself.
I’m not going to be a little worshiper of a very false God… like I have been. I’m not going to cut myself off from the experiences I need to grow up.
I have no idea what or who the crap I’m supposed to be. But as I learn to decide for myself and live for myself it should come with time. One puzzle piece at a time it will come together.
Obviously I hope and pray that Aub will remain my best friend for as long as I live. Look around and you’re not going to find anyone closer than us despite our issues. You aren’t going to see anyone else who has a better understanding of me than her. Unbalanced and jacked up friendship maybe… but still. I hope that when I’m on the other side of this mountain that our friendship will grow with us.
Aubretia….. you are my best friend not my life support.
